Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
