Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
