Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
