so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
