glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
