This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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