Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
