did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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