Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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