Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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