You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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