my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
