Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
