Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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