I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You took a bar mat shot.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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