Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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