Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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