Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
