I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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