she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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