Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
