I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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