Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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