When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
