She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
