he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
