Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
