i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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