My friends, they love my intelligence
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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