we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
