I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
