If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize