Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
