I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
