I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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