I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
