dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
