I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
