I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
