Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
