dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
