if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
