Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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