it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
as a side note pls kill me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
