he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize