you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
