But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
this boner is exhausting
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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