he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
