Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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