I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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