Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
