It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
