Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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