I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
